you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
