I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
