those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
