If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
