i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
