if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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