you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
