I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
