dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize