: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
