I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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