I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
