Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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