Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
