please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
