There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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