We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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