Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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