Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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