it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
