When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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