So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
