glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize