I must be too annoying 4 u.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
