Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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