I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize