The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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