I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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