He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
