Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
