the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
