I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
