her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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