if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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