last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
