my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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