haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
