So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
