How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
