so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
