does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
