i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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