After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
