i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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