Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
