I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm both gender and math confused
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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