I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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