Can i not drive my cunt home
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
