Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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