Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
