Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
