i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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