I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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