Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
