k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
