Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
