Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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