I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
