my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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