The maid of honor just puked.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
