So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
