If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
