i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
is it fun? or sober?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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