the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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