I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
