I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
