I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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